Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no