There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.