I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans