Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.