lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
the three branches of government
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”