So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Phones down.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real