Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
You Might Also Like
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
It be like that sometimes 😆
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.