My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
You Might Also Like
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks