Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?