three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
You Might Also Like
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
#parenting
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I can’t stop laughing at this
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’