[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
So that’s what we looked like?
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
When they try to steal your moment.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…