me working on my assignments ^-^
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Matt Goss
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?