*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
he was correct
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.