Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The first matador
boss: you鈥檙e late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife鈥檚 car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I love it all
Yeah I like bananas. When they鈥檙e almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It鈥檚 our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 馃拃
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn鈥檛 it called peter parkour
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don鈥檛.