[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
You Might Also Like
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: