*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My birth announcement for our third baby
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this