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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
(Electricians.)
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky