listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
SF is the wild wild west man
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money