pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze