My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Name another movie that mislead you?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.