Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.