[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.