Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.