As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
What personal space?
My dog
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist