This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Meow
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”