A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.