If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.