you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I’m calling the cops.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
welp
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR