Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Hot hot hot 🥵
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…