Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I’m not proud
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific