I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
(True)
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Huge”.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Merica.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos