You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You Might Also Like
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Batman v Dracula
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.