If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me if I was a dog
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that