I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
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Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?