My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Good Morning.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings