DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff