Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Husband of the year 😂
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh