Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I think my mom just blocked me
is nasa ok
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
TRAIN’S HERE