Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.