Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.