i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them