My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.