Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all