Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I love the honesty
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you