-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
#titanic
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.