Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Guys, I found it.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering