Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Easy enough.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location