Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
OMG 🤣🤣
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly