I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
For the orator and chef in all of us
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?