*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
OKAY DAD
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Omg 🤣
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets